he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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