saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
