when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
