just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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