FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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