Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
