i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
