Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
