I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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