I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I got inside last night via doggy door
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
