If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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