so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
