Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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