I think im going to throw up on grandma
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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