Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
