dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
