My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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