Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
