I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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