I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
