When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize