Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
