If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
