i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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