I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
