I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
