If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize