This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
