Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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