I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
