I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
