Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
