I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
