there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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