Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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