My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
