How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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