we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
We're hate flirting, damnit.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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