I hope mine doesn't look like that
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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