My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Randomize
