I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
