Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
