he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my sisters under your porch take her home
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
