I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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