Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
they're like a gay fantastic four
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
