Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
