i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
