I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my shit smells like andre
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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