Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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