he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
