I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
