I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
