I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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