don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
