I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
