This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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