He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
