my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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