Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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