Someone shit on the floor
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
