If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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