she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
