Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize