You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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