Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
