So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
