if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize