Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I can't turn off my feet"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Pants are for mortals
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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