Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize