So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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