Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
