I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
