Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
