speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
