I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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