My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
