I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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